A letter to the version of me who feels behind after divorce

Breathe. Take five deep breaths and come back to the present. You're getting swept up in the anxiety of it all. You are exactly where you need to be right now.

I know you once had a plan and a dream for how your life would turn out. It was perfect and you were already so far down that path. You had "your person." You knew the next few steps, at least, and felt like you had some of the most difficult parts figured out already. There was a tangible goal with a literal finish line. Maybe it was starting a family. Maybe it was starting a new career. Maybe it was moving to that new city where your spouse had gotten a job. And it was exciting. It was the future, and it was as bright as you could make it.

And then it all changed.

And now you feel like you're twenty steps behind where you were this time last year. All those things you "had" and were looking forward to are now gone. The path has gone dark, and you no longer have any direction. And all your hard work and progress have been taken away. And all for what?

And your friends are getting engaged. They're posting their baby announcements. They just moved to LA for their husband's job. Another gorgeous villa wedding.

You know other people's accomplishments don't take anything away from you. You know that. But that doesn't soften the sharp pain in your chest every time you see someone getting something you used to have but don't anymore. You're not a horrible person for feeling this way. You're not selfish or insecure. You're human. You're hurting and healing and feeling so many new emotions.

Just because your life currently looks different from how you planned doesn't mean it's wrong, bad, or that you're behind.

You've just been through something traumatic. Divorce is naturally traumatic. Not many people get married intending for it to end in a courtroom. But sometimes it does.

But what if the divorce was a step forward, not a step backward, as it so often feels? What if leaving and starting fresh was the next step all along, but you didn't have the foresight to include it in your 10-year plan because no one plans for divorce?

You're not falling behind. Your life has not taken a sharp left into a sewer, even though it might feel that way right now. You're moving forward. You're rebuilding. You're reinventing. None of those things sound regressive to me.

I'm not asking you to make your divorce an inherently positive thing. It does not need to be. And there are so many wonderful things ahead that couldn't have happened without that divorce. Think of the cities you can move to now. The places you can visit. The friends you can meet. And possibly a new love that definitely wouldn't have been possible without leaving something that was destroying you from the inside out.

You are so strong. Read that again. You have just been through and are currently still experiencing something inherently traumatic. You did something that some of your friends could never fathom. Rebuild from it. Do not let it destroy you. There is so much goodness ahead.

Appreciate your past for what it is: a learning experience. You got to learn so much about yourself. And now you know what you'll never tolerate again. You'll make vows to yourself and keep them now. You'll be the person for yourself you've been waiting for. And suddenly, nothing else really matters. No 5-year plans. No benchmark or expectation can fully encapsulate this progress.

Because you've got you.

So you can do anything.